As you will all probably know, London (Stratford) will be hosting the Olympic Games in 2012. What you may not know, is that many parts of this spectacular event are to be especially altered to bring them into line with both the traditions, and the current way of life in East London. Redgates have obtained a leaked copy of some of the plans, and these are reproduced below.
Opening Ceremony
The highlight of the opening ceremony will be when a 14 year old “Hoodie”, drives a stolen car into the Olympic Stadium, crashes it, then sets fire to it, and therefore lights the Olympic Flame. Just in case this does not work, the back up plan is to have another native of the area (dressed in a balaclava and a shell suit) to throw a petrol bomb. The Olympic Flame will of course be contained within an overturned Police van on the Stadium Roof.
Drugs Testing
To guarantee the entry of any East London athletes, no Drugs Testing will be carried out.
The Events
In previous Olympic Games, East London’s competitors have not been particularly successful. So, in order to redress the balance, some of the events will be altered to the advantage of local athletes.
The 100 Metres Sprint
Competitors will have to hold a DVD Player and a microwave oven (one is each arm), and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 25 yards behind the athletes. The 110 Metres Hurdles will be the same, but with added obstacles such as Car Bonnets, Garden Hedges, Walls , Fences and Gates etc.
The Hammer
Competitors in this event may choose the type of Hammer they wish to use (Claw, Sledge, Club, etc.). The winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage in three attempts.
Fencing
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5 minutes.
Shooting
A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a Post Office Clerk, a Bank Teller, and a Securicor Wages Delivery Man. The traditional .22 rifle will be replaced by a choice of Browning Automatic Hand Gun, or a sawn off 12-Bore Shotgun.
Boxing
Entry to the Boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager, while the wife will be told not to cook him any dinner. The bout will then commence.
Modern Pentathlon
This is being amended to include, mugging, breaking and entering, joyriding, arson, and prostitution.
Swimming Events
All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels. Once one is found that can support human life, the Swimming Events will be organised.
The Marathon and The Mens 50Km Walk
A Safe Route has yet to be found for the Marathon. The Men’s 50Km walk has already been cancelled as Police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London, especially those who appear to be mincing.
The Closing Ceremony
Entertainment will include: Formation Rave Dancing by members of the Stratford “Health In The Community” Anti Drug Campaigners. Syncronised Rock Throwing to music by The Ilford Community Choir. The Olympic Flame will be extinguished by a Police Water Cannon, followed by a Pitch Invasion organised by a West Ham based Hooliganism Club.
The stadium will then be boarded up to stop it being taken over by squatters and illegal immigrants, and of course to prevent all the copper water pipe, and other fixtures & fittings being stolen.
